14:53

so like. somewhere within the last few months i realized i want to start going to church, specifically Episcopalianism. there's a couple of them really close to where i live, that are very openly justice-focused and actively engage in direct community aid.

but it's... not just about getting further involved in mutual aid and such. there's plenty secular organizations that focus on that, and i'm already engaged with some of those too.

there's just. hmm. i don't know. there's something. i haven't been religious in a while, and hadn't wanted to be part of Christianity since i was a small child. i was (neo)pagan for a long time, maybe still sort of am? idk how to put all this into words.

i still feel witchy and i'm not sure "Christian" is an identity label i feel comfortable with... yet? but i do feel (and have long felt) a strong pull towards justice as a deeply spiritual life purpose. and there's something to be said, too, about the built-in community that a church congregation provides.

also, there's pipe organs and gorgeous stained glass windows and 150 year old architecture to drool over.

i've felt very much drawn to Saint Francis for some time now. my career is pet care and environmentalism has always been extremely important to me as a kid who was raised on Captain Planet in my formative years. and there's just something about making that a holy/spiritual calling that really speaks to me. and i know Episcopalianism is widely referred to as "Catholic Lite" and that it isn't nearly as heavy on the Saints as Catholicism (i mean, really, what else is?), but Saints as spirits working as intermediaries between the mundane and the sacred is a thing that really clicks in my brain.

i only really started to understand the fundamental differences between liturgical and evangelical churches in recent years, over the course of countless deep conversations between myself and my partner about the VERY different religious environments we were each raised in. i was raised in a fairly liberal liturgical church (United Church of Christ) in the Rust Belt, while my partner was raised Southern Baptist in frickin' Texas. i can certainly understand how and why they're an atheist!

anyhow, i'm just rambling. this is a blog post, a journal entry, not meant to be a polished essay to be posted to a Substack or sent out to a mailing list. idk why i feel the need to say that as a disclaimer, and i don't even know if anyone even reads this blog (especially given that i haven't incorporated an actual official link on my nav page lmao... i reallyyyyy need to update that thing) but i'm tryna keep in the spirit of Ye Olden Livejournal Days.

17:54

yet again i am so tired. i've been running around nonstop all day, between the old place and the new, lifting and carrying things up and down so many flights of stairs... i don't have time to rest, but if i don't, then i'll get a fibro flare and will be useless for an entire day. so i guess tonight i'm resting a bit, idly packing but not carrying heavy boxes or furniture.

14:17

lordddd i'm tired. being a professional petsitter/dog walker while chronically ill is.. uh... fun. juggling medical appointments with physical work, and carrying heavy/bulky objects up and down several flights of stairs, driving all around town, and... yeah. it gets to be A Lot rather quickly. but i'm managing.

but anyhow. the move is going okay so far. i'm still scrambling to get my life together, but i have help. i love my friends. 🥹

moved Mister over to the new place the other day. he's currently sequestered in my partner's bedroom and has been simultaneously going stir-crazy and terrified to explore the rest of the house when given the chance, lol (what a silly lil guy). i miss Mister and i can't wait to get settled in and see him gain confidence and find out what his favorite lounging spots are.

but currently i'm procrastinating on having a well-deserved shower. i should go forth and become less smelly!

13:49

well, life continues to be insane, chaotic, and unexpected in new and.. uh... exciting ways. the last straw finally fell in my living situation, and i decided i had to move. luckily, my lease is month-to-month so i don't have to stick it out for [x] number more months. whew.

the crazy thing is that i'm moving in with my partner. we never intended on cohabitating, largely because we're non-monogamous and we both value our independence and alone time (and we want to respect each other's privacy and boundaries). but we will each have our own bedroom and private bathroom on separate floors, and separate workshop/craft rooms. we don't have to sleep in the same bed every night if we don't want to. we'll have our own spaces to just Be. it'll be almost like living in separate apartments in the same building i guess??

moving always sucks ass, though. this will be the fourth time i've moved in the span of three years. and the thing is-- i love this neighborhood, it's got cafes and bodegas and grocery stores and a hardware store, it's extremely walkable, it's on multiple major bus lines, and it's directly adjacent to another few similar neighborhoods, all still within easy walking/biking distance. i like the neighbors (except for the guy in the basement), we look out for each other and are supportive. i really liked this house itself (for all its quirks and flaws).

but living with an immature/entitled roommate, a neighbor in the basement apartment with horrifically untreated mental illness (thanks US health "care" system!), and a skeezy landlord, my health (physical and mental) has been compromised here for far too long. and it just so happened that one of my partner's housemates is moving out. quelle bonne chance, eh?

i'm naturally quite anxious, but also pretty excited to have so much more room to stretch my legs. expect a lot more plant pics in the coming months.

17:31

holy SHIT i've been busy in the last couple months. i haven't slept in my own bed nearly as much as i've slept in other people's beds (and not even in the sexy way lol i'm a petsitter). finally HOME for a couple weeks before my next two week stint. ~The Holidays~ sure are a thing, whew.

i'm so hungry and i have no idea what to eat. i have some frozen red bean buns buuuuuut i had a couple for breakfast. hmm. my favorite neighborhood anarchist café is closed on Mondays, dangit. i GUESSSSSS i could go to the grocery store, but ehhhhhhhh...

17:43

today has been a helluva rollercoaster. housing insecurity is the fucking worst. all i've ever wanted in my adult life is to have ONE home where i feel physically safe. ONE home where i don't live in perpetual fear of harm. ONE home where the rug won't be yanked out from under me at the whim of a shady greedy scumlord. ugh.

13:42

if a leftist activist organization tells you "we have bigger things to worry about" when you bring up conflict resolution or accountability, RUN.

if that org would rather cut someone off entirely rather than hold one of their members accountable for even a minor conflict, RUN.

especially if it's cis men telling this to women/nonbinary/genderqueer/trans folks.

i know this sounds... logical, right? except i just experienced it in real life this week. (again.)

listen to women. listen to trans people. do not deflect. YES, we are living in fascism right now and it's terrifying and we need to be doing everything we can to fight! but the fight against fascism starts at home. if men (and cis people in general) are not willing to do better, they are PART OF THE PROBLEM. it doesn't matter if they've done lots of good activist work in the past and present. or rather, yes, that work itself matters, but it does not make anyone exempt from being held accountable for their actions.

i shouldn't have to say this to other grown-ass middle-aged folks in the year of our Gord 2025, but here we are.

all that aside, i'm having a pretty good week and have worked on some music! recorded a new track and remixed a couple others that i'd recorded back in June and July. very ready to drop a new album once i re-listen to it on as many different speakers/headphones as i can (my usual pre-release routine). i can't believe it's been A WHOLE YEAR since i released pâro!